There are some things one would assume a person knows about
themselves. What their natural hair color is. How tall they are. What size pants he or she wears.
But yesterday I decided to treat myself to a new outfit. Out of habit, I pulled a size 12 and a size 10.
I was pleasantly surprised when I tried on the pants and they were both too
big! In a bit of disbelief, I went back to the rack and pulled a size 8. They
fit perfectly! Yippee…I’m out of the double digits!
Then after clothes shopping, I stopped at a restaurant for some
take out. I ran into an old high school acquaintance and Facebook friend. When
she saw me she said something to the effect of: “You’re always on Facebook talking about
losing weight. Look at you! You are skinny!”
If only I could see what everyone else sees. If only I could look
in the mirror and see a woman who wears a size 8.
My body image has been screwed up for so long, I can only
half-heartedly celebrate the realization that I am no longer in the double
digit pant sizes. I know I will never look like a Victoria's
Secret
fashion model or have a figure like Beyonce, but just
once I want to be able to live in the moment and enjoy these little victories.
The sad truth is, I don’t think that I will
ever look in the mirror and NOT see a fat girl. Fat, not pretty, was what I was called most
often as I was growing up. I don’t know what it feels like to look in the
mirror and love, hell even accept, the person that I see.
Can anyone suggest a good book on body image?
(sigh)
But seriously, in addition to my goal of
reaching 135 pounds, I also have a goal of fixing what’s wrong in my heart and
in my head. I don’t know how I’m going to do that. How do I erase 42 years of
anxiety and feeling insecure? No clue…but I know that in order for me to truly be
happy, regardless of the number on the scale, I have to change my way of
thinking. I have to free myself from this self-imposed obsession about my body.
It’s gonna be tough and probably a little painful. But it has to be done. I
have to start living!
*nervously bites nails* Wish me luck on that!
In other news...my October Walking Challenge is progressing. I continue to have issues with the personal care aids and now Virginia's weather forecast consists of rain, rain, and more rain. So I haven't put in as many miles as I would have liked to at this point. But maybe I can make up for lost time once the rain stops.I really want to get 100 miles in. Will I do it? Stay tuned!
In other news...my October Walking Challenge is progressing. I continue to have issues with the personal care aids and now Virginia's weather forecast consists of rain, rain, and more rain. So I haven't put in as many miles as I would have liked to at this point. But maybe I can make up for lost time once the rain stops.I really want to get 100 miles in. Will I do it? Stay tuned!
Always,
Blaque
Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. ~ 3 John 1:2
Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. ~ 3 John 1:2
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