Introduction

 

I was only 5 lbs 15 ounces when I was born. And one would think that a newborn that small would also be a small toddler and child. But no, I have had weight issues for as long as I can remember.

I remember so vividly coming inside from playing one day. I was a little girl, probably around 7 or 8 years old. I was sweaty and I was wearing clothes that were too small for my chubby body. My mother was in a mood that day as she often was. I remember her pealing me out of those clothes and calling me a goat because I was sweaty and a pig because my clothes were so tight.

I also remember a time when I wanted to take ballet lessons. My mother had taken me to the local mall to buy me some leotards and tights for dance class. I was so excited at the thought of being a ballerina! I couldn’t wait to put on a pretty pink tutu.

But when we arrived at the store and my mother told the grey haired old woman what we needed to purchase, she looked at me with a look of disgust and informed us that they didn’t carry my size in the store. She told my mother that clothes in “her size” had to be special ordered.
I found out at a very early age just how much pain words could cause.

We are now who we were then…

No matter how old I get, how much weight I lose, or how much make-up I put on my face, I will always be that hurt, chubby little girl who instead of being called pretty was constantly reminded that she was overweight.

Every journal I’ve ever kept during my teens and early 20s all focus on my issues with weight. Page after page documents my current and goal weights. I wrote about the myriad of diet plans I’d tried and given up on.

Just once I wanted to be able to wake up and live a normal day and eat normal food without having to obsess over how what I was or wasn't eating affected my weight.

Like many people I’ve tried Weight Watchers (several times), Nutrisystem, Hydroxycut, I’ve been to diet clinics and was given Phentermine and water pills. In high school I abused over the counter diet pills. Instead of taking one a day per the instructions, I took 2 to 3 pills a day and drunk only orange juice for weeks at a time. I was so lethargic and slept constantly. My family actually thought that I was pregnant when in all honesty, I was probably close to killing myself.

Ultimately in September of 2011 I had Gastric bypass surgery and have lost over 80 pounds.

But my weight still fluctuates dramatically. I am still an emotional eater. I still eat when I can’t sleep at night. And I am still not consistent with working out and living a healthy lifestyle.

We are now who we were then…I’m still damaged. I still have a lot to figure out. But I’m 42 years old and I don’t have forever.

I am going to TRY and commit for the first time in my life. I am going to try to finish ONE thing that I start. With this blog I hope to keep myself accountable, share some before and after pictures, be as honest with myself and others as possible, and rid myself of ghosts of my past…for good this time.

I’m starting with the Ripped in 30 DVD by Jillian Michaels because I’ve heard great yet frightening things about her and her DVDs. Ripped in 30 is just a starting point. My hope is that after I complete this DVD I will have developed some good habits and I can continue to stay fit and try new and healthy things to help me along this journey. I'm ready, are you?

Let’s get ripped!

 

 

Blaque