Body Image

From September 2011 to September of 2013 I have lost over 90 pounds. I went from 240 lbs to 143 lbs. In my head, I know that's a lot. I know that I have come a long way. But when I look at my body, I'm still not happy. And what's scary is that I don't know if reaching my goal of 135 would make me any happier. The truth is, I've never been pleased with my body...no, I take that back. There was a short time after I came home from Basic Training. I was 21 years old, 125 pounds and very little if any fat, giggle, cellulite, etc. It didn't last very long however. I immediately started gaining weight. I remember my mom and brother picking me up from the airport and my mother telling me that she had macaroni and cheese and barbecue ribs waiting for me. So outside of a few months of my life, I've always had a hate-hate relationship with my appearance.

42 years is a long time to hate something. I asked myself today, "What is all this exercising and dieting for, really?" Yes, I want to be healthy and strong so that I can care for Travis. That's a big deal to me. But I think part of the reason that I get complacent and eat whatever I want is because I don't think I'll ever love the woman in my mirror. I dislike my body just as much now as I did when I was at my highest weight. In fact, maybe even a little more. Like I've said before, at 240 pounds I was supposed to look fat. But at 143 pounds, I still look fat and it's frustrating. 

I have and will continue to push forward because it's what I promised myself I would do. But I know there won't be a magic switch that turns on when I step on the scale and see 135. I think my bigger quest will be one of acceptance. I know that I can lose the weight. But loving myself when I reach my goal...I'm not so sure about that one...

But push I must and I did. I had a really good mid-day workout. I did intervals using the C25K app for 2.48 miles. Then I walked 1 mile until I was back at my job. Later, around 3pm, I took a 15 minute break and walked another .89 miles.



After I put Travis to bed I tried to start Level 3 Day 1 of Ripped In 30...TRIED. I couldn't even make it through the first circuit. I mean, the bear crawl and duck walk were bad enough, but then during the cardio portion the squat jacks and skiers did me in. I think I did too much walking/running earlier in the day. My legs just couldn't take what Jillian was dishing out. (big sigh). I don't want to sacrifice my cardio for the DVDs I'm doing at night. I'm making so much progress with my running. But I do realize that I need to cut back until I'm able to do Level 3 without being in intense pain. So tomorrow, I will still get a walk in. I just won't do 4 miles.

Thanks for reading.

All the best to you,

Blaque